Don’t Sweep It Under The Rug

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t Sweep it Under the Rug?” This was a popular saying during my childhood. I had No idea what it meant until just recently: “Don’t Sweep it Under the Rug” saying, is a plea to confront an issue rather than ignore it, with “sweeping it under the rug” meaning to hide, deny or avoid dealing with a problem, mistake, embarrassing situation, even abuse.

The phrase is an idiom that compares avoiding a problem to a lazy cleaner hiding dirt under the rug, instead of disposing it properly.

During my recent study regarding the seriousness of emotional and psychological abuse, the thought came to me more than once: “Don’t Sweep it Under the Rug.” What many may not know is Domestic Violence also includes emotional and psychological abuse. One saying says, “Just because he doesn’t hit, doesn’t mean it’s Not abuse.”

To help you better understand, I felt it was extremely necessary to share with you some very pertinent information regarding emotional and psychological abuse from WomensLaw.org:

As you educate yourself, on how to identify the signs and behaviors of such abuse, I and many other women want you to know that, number one: You’re NOT “crazy” and you will learn from the information provided, that you no longer have to feel confused, You’re Not being too “oversensitive,” and you no longer have to second-guess yourself. Awareness ALWAYS leads to understanding and a Journey to Healing.

The following information can be found at WomensLaw.org under the title: Emotional and Psychological Abuse:

Is emotional abuse the same as psychological abuse?
There is no clear agreement among experts in the field whether there is a meaningful difference between emotional and psychological abuse. There is some research that suggests that there are slight differences between the two. Emotional abuse is believed to be broader and therefore, psychological abuse is often considered to be one form of emotional abuse. Also, psychological abuse involves the use of verbal and social tactics to control someone’s way of thinking, such as “gaslighting,” which is not necessarily the same as other forms of emotional abuse.

However, for the purposes of the following questions, WomensLaw will group the terms together since the behaviors described by both concepts are similar enough, that there isn’t a real difference when considering legal remedies for victims of these behaviors.

What is emotional and psychological abuse?
Abuse comes in many different forms. Even when there is no physical violence, abusive language can be very damaging to you and your children. Emotional and psychological abuse include mostly non-physical behaviors that the abuser uses to control, isolate, or frighten you. Often, the abuser uses it to break down your self-esteem and self-worth in order to create a psychological dependency on him/her. Emotional and psychological abuse are hard forms of abuse to recognize because the abuse is spread throughout your everyday interactions. Unlike physical abuse, there are often no isolated incidents or clear physical evidence to reference. Although, there was a time while attending Bible School in Tulsa, OK., that while visiting a friend, who worked alongside of me in ministering to others on the streets of Tulsa, I witnessed his father verbally abusing his mother, right in front of me, he was very harsh, cruel, manipulative, belittling, condescending and patronizing, so much so, I could not believe what I was hearing! The word of God speaks against such behavior, and two of the words God uses in the scriptures describing such evil, wicked behavior is: Reviler, Scorner, and Evil.

What are the signs of emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse may begin suddenly or it may slowly start to enter into your relationship. Some abusers behave like a good partner in the beginning and start the abuse after the relationship is established. When this shift in behavior occurs, it can leave you feeling shocked, confused, and even embarrassed. However, abuse is never your fault even if the abuser tells you it is, or if your family members or friends blame you for “allowing” the abuse. It is often difficult to decide whether or not certain behaviors are emotionally or psychologically abusive, especially if you grew up witnessing abuse. However, as with all other types of domestic violence, the behavior is intended to gain, and keep power and control over you. Some signs that a partner is being emotionally and psychologically abusive include:

• humiliating you in front of others;
• calling you insulting names, such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless”;
• getting angry in a way that is frightening to you;
• threatening to hurt you, people you care about, or pets;
• the abuser threatening to harm him/herself when upset with you;
• saying things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
• deciding things for you that you should decide, like what you wear or eat;
• acting jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating;
• continually pretending to not to understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and opinions;
• questioning your memory of events or denying that an event happened the way you said it did, even when the abuser knows that you are right;
• changing the subject whenever you try to start conversations with the abuser and others and questioning your thoughts in a way that makes you feel unworthy; and
• making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important than those of the abuser.

Acts towards you:
Isolation
In an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship, the abuser will do many things in an attempt to cut all of the emotional ties you have with other people, so that the only one left is the abuser. Some signs of this type of isolation include:

• preventing or discouraging you from seeing family or friends and making you feel guilty when you do;
• wanting to know what you’re doing all the time and making you be in constant contact;
• restricting access to transportation so you can’t leave the home;
• acting jealous of time spent with your family or friends, often to the point where you will “choose” not to see them anymore so you don’t have to put up with the abuser’s jealousy; and
• wanting you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.³

GASLIGHTING:
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that tends to happen gradually in a relationship. The term “gaslighting” is used to describe a pattern of behavior in which the abuser intentionally denies that acts or events happened in the way that you know that they happened. An abuser will often twist your emotions, words, and experiences and use them against you, which causes you to question your reality, to doubt your own judgment and memory, and to make you feel that you are “going crazy.” Signs that you are experiencing gaslighting include:

• feeling confused, “crazy,” and constantly second-guessing yourself;
• constantly questioning if you are being “too sensitive”;
• having trouble making simple decisions;
• constantly apologizing to your partner;
• frequently making excuses for your partner’s behavior;
• finding yourself withholding information from loved ones;
• starting to lie to avoid the put-downs or reality twists;
• feeling as though you can’t do anything right; and
• wondering if you are a “good enough” partner.⁴

Ultimately, these behaviors are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you, and while they do not leave physical scars, they can leave long-lasting trauma.

What are the effects of emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects. This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more. You may stay in the relationship and try to bargain with the abuser, or try to change the abuser’s behavior, often placing blame on yourself, even though you are not at fault.

If you’re dealing with severe and ongoing emotional abuse, it’s possible to lose your entire sense of self and begin to doubt your self-worth or your abilities, which may make it even harder to leave the relationship. Long-term emotional abuse can also result in several health problems, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic pain, and more.¹ It’s important to get emotional support to help you deal with the trauma of emotional and psychological abuse – see What can I do if I am a victim of emotional and psychological abuse? for more information.

¹ This information was adapted from U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page and Effects of Violence Against Women page

What can I do if I am a victim of emotional and psychological abuse?
If you are the victim of emotional and psychological abuse, you may be hesitant to seek help or tell your friends and family because you fear they will not believe you or take you seriously. You may feel shame or confusion as to what is happening. However, seeking help and support is essential to ending an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship. The effects of these types of abuse are serious and it is common for emotional and psychological abuse to escalate to physical violence. You can go to our National Organizations – Emotional Abuse section for national resources or talk to an advocate or counselor at your local domestic violence organization, listed on our Advocates and Shelters page. Local domestic violence programs often offer free counseling, support groups, and the advocates in these organizations could point you to other local help and support options.

In addition, depending on how domestic violence is defined in your state, the abuser’s behavior can fall under certain crimes or you may qualify for a restraining order. A few states specifically allow someone to get a restraining order based on “coercive control,” which is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Even in states where emotional abuse is not considered as a reason for a restraining order, it’s possible that certain emotionally abusive acts may, in fact, qualify you for an order. For example, if an abuser threatens you or continually texts or calls you repeatedly without reason to do so, this could be considered enough to grant an order. In our Restraining Orders page, you can chose your state from the drop-down menu and look for the question where we include the legal definition of domestic violence for the purposes of getting a restraining order. Some states also recognize emotionally abusive acts as crimes, such as threats or public disturbances, for example. You can go to our Crimes page to read through the list of common crimes committed by abusers to see if any match up with the abuser’s actions. This information is found on the WomensLaw.org.

Why Emotional Abusers Act Sweet after an Abusive incident:

During another recent study, I found that Emotional and Psychological Abusers act Sweet to manipulate and regain control over their victim, this tactic is known as “Intermittent Reinforcement” which creates a cycle of abuse where the victim hopes the abuser will return to their “good” behavior. This pattern, which often includes minimizing the abuse, and even “love bombing” the victim with affection, serves to keep the victim dependent and confused, especially when the abuser behaves differently with others.

Why They Do It:

• Manipulation and Control:
  The sweet behavior is a calculated tactic to control you and keep you in a relationship
• Creating False Hope: By returning to Kind behavior, the abuser plays on your desire for the “good” version of them, making you doubt your own judgment, and encouraging you to stay.
• Intermittent Reinforcement:
  This psychological tactic creates a cycle where good behavior and then back to kindness, which is more effective at conditioning someone to stay than constant abuse, according to the American Psychological Association.
• Avoiding Accountability:
  Acting like nothing happened (This is very common) is a way for the abuser to avoid taking Responsibility for their actions, and to make the victim question their own perception of the incident.
• Love Bombing: (Also very common) After a period of abuse, an abuser might shower the victim with excessive compliments, affection, and attention to Re-establish emotional control and make the victim feel indebted.

What to Look For:

• Shifting Personas: The abuser may act differently with you than they do with others, creating confusion when “others” see them as charming and wonderful.
  Example: I Remember some years ago when a neighbor came to me to share about the abuse she had been experiencing with her husband (they had been divorced) and she began to confide in me as a minister, of what she had (and even though divorced) been going through. She explained much of what you have read in this article, more specifically the “shifting personas” in how he was a Dr., and very prestigious among his peers and community, she also explained how many did not believe her because, just as we read above, to “others” he was “Charming” and “Wonderful.” And as I began studying this subject, I remembered her story, and I thought, if only I KNEW what I know now, I could have helped her on a larger scale, but I honestly had no idea. I did not doubt her story, but I had no knowledge in this area at the time.
• Blaming You: (This is also very common) They may try to “shift” the Blame on you, making you question your role in their abusive behavior, this is what many in the field call: Blame Shifting.
• Minimizing and Excuses: Excuses and downplaying of their abusive action are also part of the manipulation, according to the Hotline.

As a Mother, Wife, Grandmother, Minister and Women’s Advocate, I make it a point to study the scriptures on the subject of “Abuse” and to my surprise I found a number of verses that address this issue, but before I do, I would also like to share with you that there are Many Women whose husbands are Pastors, and many of these women are also victims of emotional and psychological abuse.

In my opinion, and more importantly, in the eyes of God, and according to His Word, and the Words of Jesus, and His commandment to Love, this should Not be happening. As Ministers of the Gospel; the Good News of Jesus Christ, this abusive behavior should have NO place in such marriages, nor in the church. Wives; Daughters of God, there is Hope, and the following information will Also Help to identify Emotional and Psychological Abuse within your marriage, family and even within the local church:

My recent study reveals: In an abusive relationship with a pastor, psychological and emotional abuse is often combined with spiritual abuse, creating a dynamic of control that is especially difficult for victims to escape. The husbands position as a pastor within the church, and his knowledge of religious teachings, can be weaponized to manipulate, shame and isolate his wife. How so? Shifting Personas: The abuser may act differently with you than they do with others, creating confusion when “others” see them as charming and wonderful.

Some may judge her in thinking or saying, “she’s just oversensitive,” or, “she’s reading into it”, or, “but he’s so kind, surely he doesn’t do that to his wife” whatever the reasoning, there are those who may choose to believe him over her.

No Tricking God: There is one thing I always like to point out with any immoral behavior, whether it be in a marriage, family, workplace or the church, there is One being we Cannot fool, and that is God Himself: The Word of God says in Psalm 139, that He Knows our thoughts. Listen my friend, God knows everything, there’s even a verse that says that Jesus, “Knew their thoughts” Matthew 9:4, Matthew 12:25-32.Signs of Spiritual and Emotional Abuse from a pastor husband:

Signs of Spiritual and Emotional Abuse from a pastor husband:

• Weaponizing Scripture and Theology: The abuser uses Bible verses out of context to demand unconditional submission, control decision making, or Justify his harmful behavior. He may twist doctrine to shame his wife, making her feel that she is failing God if she does not obey him. (I have personally witnessed this kind of behavior)
• Image Management: He projects an image of righteousness and godliness to his congregation (and others) while denying or covering up his sins at home.
  This public persona makes it difficult for others to believe the abuse in happening, especially if he is viewed as a charismatic or respected leader.
• Invalidating Feelings: He dismisses his wife’s emotional pain, claiming she is oversensitive, or attributes her distress to her own, “sinful” behavior rather than his abuse. This tactic often known as “gaslighting” makes the victim question her own reality and sanity.
• Withholding Affection or Resources: An abusive pastor may use passive tactics like stonewalling,, or the “silent treatment” to punish his wife for not meeting “his” demands. This can extend to emotional and sexual intimacy.
• Using Fear and Motivation: To control his wife, he may use fear and intimidation. This can include threatening divine punishment, social ostrization, or public humiliation within the religious community. (Which may be a large reason why she does not bring his behavior “to the light” and seek council) Friends, this is not just common among pastors but this is also among many men in esteemed roles at work and in their community.
• Suppression of Criticism: He refuses to allow any questions or dissent regarding his opinions and becomes angry when his authority is challenged. he may also turn others against his wife, painting her as a bitter or ungrateful partner if she confides in them.
  
  Why This Abuse is Particularly Harmful:
  Victims married to abusive pastors face compounded challenges due to the specific dynamics of their situation:
• Higher Stakes of Disclosure: Coming forward with allegations risks their husband’s career, their family’s standing in the community, and their personal safety.
• Community Betrayal: Many church leaders lack training in handling domestic violence, and may prioritize protecting the church’s reputation over the victim’s safety. The victim may be told to forgive her abuser or “submit” to him, making her feel further trapped and isolated.
  Let me stop there for a moment, I have studied the “submission” subject in the scriptures in-depth, and wrote an article titled: “Did God Say Wives Submit? Papyrus 46” regarding the orginal Greek transcripts of the the word, “wives submit” that we see in many translations using this word, and yet in the original Greek that word is NOT in the original Greek manuscripts, see my article as I go into much detail based on the studies of many men and women Bible scholars and their findings.
• Distorted Faith: Spiritual abuse can damage a victim’s relationship with God, as the abuser has manipulated religious teachings to serve his own agenda. Healing from this often requires rediscovering a spiritual path Free from fear and shame.
  
  Paths to Safety and Healing:
• Confide in a Trusted Individual:
  Look for someone (Pray and ask the Lord to lead you, as He know who you can trust) who will believe you, and maintain confidentiality, such as a close friend, family member, or licensed counselor. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides confidential support and resources.
• Get Professional Help:
  Seek out a secular or Christ Centered Counselor who has specific training in domestic and spiritual abuse. They can help you identify abusive patterns and develop coping strategies.
• Connect with Support Groups:
  Many orgainizations offer support groups specifically for pastors’ wives or victims of domestic abuse. These safe spaces can help you feel less isolated and provide validation for your experience.
• EDUCATE YOURSELF:
  Learning about the dynamics of emotional and spiritual abuse is a crucial step toward reclaiming your well-being. Understanding that the abuse is NOT your fault, is a Key step in the Healing Process.

In Conclusion: we are going to look at what the Word of God says regarding “Abuse” in the church: Recently while reading one of Paul’s letters, I saw the word, “Reviler” and because I’m an avid researcher of the scriptures, I know the importance of looking up the original Greek and Hebrew words to better describe the “True” meaning of a word within a verse, and in 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, we will see Paul using the word, “Reviler, and it reads: “I wrote you in my letter Not to associate with immoral people; I did not at all mean with immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. But actually, I wrote to you, not to associate with any so-called brother (a fellow believer) if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a “Reviler” (Abusive) or a drunkard, or a swindler – Not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those within the church? (Again believer’s) But those who are outside (meaning the world) God judges. Remove the wicked man from among yourselves. “ Also see, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.

The word “Reviler” in Greek Lexicon says the word means: Abusive, the term refers to a person who Wounds with Words – one whose habitual speech is insulting, slanderous, or abusive. It captures a settled disposition, not an occasional lapse, and therefore identifies a character trait, rather than a single act. Also found in 1 Corinthians 6:10, included in the catalogue of sins will “not inherit the kingdom of God,“ and in Proverbs 25:24.

Proverbs 10:31, says, “The Mouth of the Righteous flows with wisdom, But the perverted tongue will be cut out.” Hebrew Lexicon says A “perverse tongue” refers to speech that is warped, deceitful, wicked, corrupt, often used to spread falsehoods, twist truth, and harm others (Words that hurt). This type of talk crushes the spirit, and causes destruction, standing in direct contrast to the uplifting, life-giving power of gentle or soothing words, which heal and edify. A perverse tongue is characterized by lying, gossip, profanity, blasphemy, and HARMFUL WORDS intended to provoke conflict, rather that promote wisdom and Kindness. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such as is Good for edification (to build up) according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath, (passion hot anger) and anger, and clamor, and slander, be put away from you, along with all malice. (badness, wickedness, which includes Reviler, perverse tongue, scorner). Be Kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in Love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering, a sacrifice (Love is a sacrifice, laying your way down, telling your flesh/corrupt tongue to shut up) to God as a fragrant aroma. (these commands of God are for the church, which INCLUDES husbands and wives) And there must be No filthiness (Greek meaning: shamefulness, Obscenity, Dishonor, Speech or behavior that is morally ugly, Disgraceful, or Shame-inducing – verbal sins, abusive speech)

Abusive Speech, or verbal abuse, (perverse tongue) involves a pattern of words and phrases used to Control, Manipulate, Intimidate, belittle, or harm another person. This behavior is characterized by its “repetitive” nature, and intent to erode a person’s sense of self-worth, and may include insults, threats, name calling, constant criticism, blaming and gaslighting. Unlike a normal argument, verbal abuse is a systematic course of conduct that creates a climate of fear and emotional damage, which can have lasting negative impacts on mental health.

The Opposite of Perverse Tongue (abusive speech) is: Kind words, words that build up, and not tear down. Proverbs 16:24, “Kind words are like Honey – Sweet to the soul, (mind, will and emotions) and Healthy for the body.”

I sincerely pray for all of you that read this article, although long, it is full of information that I Know will help you, number one, by educating you, creating awareness, that maybe you did not have before. The Lord’s plan is Always Good, (Jeremiah 29:11) and if you are experiencing this evil in your relationships, they He wants you to know that the evil that has been present in your lives is NOT from Him. For He says in James 1:17, “Every GOOD and perfect Gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, of whom there is no variableness, nor shifting shadows.” Jesus said in his prayer to the Father, “I do not pray that you take them out of the world, BUT, that you Protect them from the evil one.” God is our Deliverer, He says, He has Delivered us from the power of darkness and translated us into the Kingdom of His dear son. That is why the Reviler will NOT inherit the Kingdom of God, because evil is Not permitted in His Kingdom nor in His presence. He also says He will “make a way of escape” therefore I encourage you to turn to Jesus and the Father and “Ask” them for Help and direction. He cares about you and me. He cares about ALL of his people. And He “hears and answers” our prayers.

If you would like to council with me, please message me on my FB pages at Pastor Nina Tidwell or my New page at: Nina Tidwell Ministries.
May the Lord Bless you and Keep you from All harm.
and if you are in physical danger, call 911 and the Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233,
or Text to 88788.